Hi, readers! I hope y’all had an enjoyable and memorable weekend, because I can barely remember mine. I think I might’ve passed out at the Waterside Warble… or was it Planet Honey Pop? Anyway, I’m here to tell you that big changes were made to my column. First up, I am not restricted to write about lifehacks anymore. Finally! After nicely requested multiple times, the editor caved and gave me full autonomy on topic picking. Yay! I’m so excited!
Secondly, um… I think that’s all? Yep, there is no second point.
Don’t worry y’all. I will continue on responding to readers’ mail. In fact, that’s what I’ll be doing today. By the way, the editor wanted me to thank you for supporting San Myshuno Times throughout the past year. He said something about staying on the top of major issues and stuff… I can’t recall. Though I know my column is the real reason why you’re still subscribing the SMT, am I right? Three cheers to all my fans!
Getting back onto topic. This week we have Don from Oasis Springs telling us some of his life problems. Without further ado:
My name is Don. Typically, I’m a very fit man. I do muscle-strenth and cardio training daily. Also, I follow a high-protein diet. Just ask my roommates; they’ll tell you how gorgeous my body was. As a side note, if you’re interested to find out, call me at – – . . (Editor’s note: for privacy protection, do not put any personal information in your submitted letters). I can give you a night that you’ll never forget!
Anyhow, I’ve been gaining excess weight. I think it started since last Saturday. We threw a party at our house that night. Maybe it’s something I ate? I don’t know… My memory of that night is mostly blurry—shouldn’t have drunk all the glasses of “Plasma Jane” that Miss Hell lady gave me. The last thing I remember is that I saw some balls of light roaming in our backyard and went outside to check out. Next thing I know, I was lying on the ground, feeling dizzy. The dizziness wore off eventually in the next day, though. Might just be me drinking too much at the party.
Also, intermittent stomachaches occur alongside my waist-bloating situation. My roommate Nina swore that she saw several times a greenish blue glow from my body, and keeps urging me to go see a doctor. But I think she’s just seeing things because of all the partying. I’ll just power through with extra gym sessions.
What do you think? Anything up there merits a work-up at the clinic?
A tad bit concerned,
Hello there, Don,
Wow, you sound like the perfect package—well, other than the part of you being sick. We should totally hang out after you’re back to your usual self. But the obnoxious editor redacted your number, so I can’t reach you. What a plum! I bet he’s keeping it to ask you out himself, such an evil, selfish, little gnome move! Nevertheless, here’s my personal email address: jt[email protected], shoot me an email instead so we can figure out the details.
Back to the main subject, I can only say you’ve found the right sim to solve your problem! After searching on LlamaDocOnline, I found out that your symptoms indicate a high probability of Gas and Giggles or Starry Eyes. Nothing life-threatening by the look of it, I suppose. The website also suggests me to order medicine that can cure these illnesses on LlamaMedOnline. You should totally do that.
The wonders of modern technology! Who needs doctors anymore when we have access to LlamaDocOnline, am I right? Oh, wait… it says here that there is a small chance you might be having Burning Belly, which requires surgery… Maybe you should search it up yourself and put in more accurate symptoms. It says “small chance” here, so I don’t think you have to worry that much.
Wow, I can’t believe I just saved you the trip and simoleons for visiting a doctor. I think I’ll get used to this new freedom of writing! Send me more health problems, readers. Allow me to save y’all from dying with my mad curing ability.
I’m pretty sure my response will be able to help you, Don. And I look forward to seeing you—after you’re back to being fit and all that, of course.
Don’t forget: you have a problem; Jules got it covered!
Disclaimer: The San Myshuno Times does not endorse, nor did we receive sponsorship from LlamaDocOnline or LlamaMedOnline. All views expressed above are of the columnist’s and should not be treated as official diagnoses. Readers are urged to seek medical professionals for advice should any ailment is experienced.
Weather Forecast – Monday, Fall 2, 4E4
San Myshuno – ☀️ Sunny; Warm
Willow Creek – ⛅️ Cloudy; Warm
Magnolia – 🌧 Rainy; Warm
Newcrest – ⛅️ Cloudy; Hot
Granite Falls – ☁️ Cloudy; Warm
Forgotten Hollow – ⛈ Stormy; Cool
Oasis Springs – ☀️ Sunny; Hot
Brindleton Bay – ⛅️ Cloudy; Warm
Salvadorada – 🌧 Rainy; Hot
Windenburg – ⛅️ Cloudy; Cool